Shakira's New Video

Big Time Music Executive: Shakira! Please, come in! Have a seat--we have so many great ideas for your next video!
Shakira smiles, nods and sits
BTME: So we were having our little brainstorming session and we’re thinking Shakira…hips that don’t lie…hips that are always one hundred percent honest…and then it hit us…humping! Shakira needs more humping in this next video! And I’m not talking your run-of-the-mill dry humping some guys with no shirts on and then the camera. I’m talking about serious, global humping!
Shakira: Me gusta!
BTME: For you, we wanted something fresh, something new, something no one has ever humped before in a music video! I’m picturing you humping major wonders of the world. Machu Picchu! the Colesseum! the Golden Gate Bridge!—Hell, why not bang the Taj Mahal! We’ll do it on green screen right here in our studio in L.A.! (Executive leans in closer to Shakira) I want you thrusting up on the Great Barrier Reef, the Great Wall of China and The Great Pyramid! What do you think?
Shakira: Me gusta el humping!
Executive claps, stands up and shakes Shakira’s hand
BTME: Thanks for coming in, Shakira. Great meeting!
Shakira walks out. Assistant is seated at a desk outside Executive’s office.
Assistant: How did the meeting go, Miss Shakira?
Shakira gives the assistant a stern look and then pauses. The assistant looks worried. Then slowly, earnestly, Shakira starts humping the corner of the assistant’s desk. 

Friends Like This

Actual (not satirical) conversation between a friend and myself. (This is the sprinkles part)

Me: You’re friends with Dave. You would tell me if you knew he wasn’t into me, right?
Friend: Yeah, of course
Me (but a more paranoid version): But maybe you wouldn’t because you wouldn’t come out and say ‘he just doesn’t like you.’
Friend: Well, I would say something like ‘He’s a loser. You’re too good for him’ and you would get the hint.
Me: But you do say he’s a loser.
Friend: Yeah, but I don’t say you’re too good for him.

Wanted Ad

Craigslist Ad For Rock Band In Need of Groupies

Wanted: 3-4 part-time groupie positsions now open! Availability late nights and weekends a must. We are looking for go-getters who are able to efficiently multi-task. Communications and organizational skills not required. At least one year of prior related groupie work experience or groupie internship a plus.

Responsibilities:

Light to moderate stalking

Screaming during awkward pauses at our shows

Sitting on shoulders of men in crowd and saying “whoo, whoo”

Occasional flashing

Acting jealous when we speak to other women

Wearing backstage passes with arrogance/entitlement

Occasional underwear and/or bra tossing

Hanging on our shoulders while we talk to the press preferably looking hot/vacant/slightly inebriated

Having sex with us while telling us our drum solo rocked

*Compensation: stories about wild times with the band

Contact information: dudesinaband@dudesinaband.net

Maid of Honor

Helloooo Bridesmaids!
Soooooooo Mandy is finally getting married! After all that searching for “the rock” she finally found her prince charming!! Who cares if he has hair, right?? Hahah. Lololol. All it took was a few rounds of plastic surgery and that trip to Cancun where she got montezuma’s revenge and lost twenty pounds and she’s never looked more gorgeous!! Hahah. Jkjk. Some of us just aren’t lucky enough to get a tapeworm no matter how hard we try!

Anyhoo, Just wanted to let everyone know we picked a date for the baccelorettee—did I spell that right? Anyway, it is June 13th! (Sorry it took so long to pick a date, but Mandy is just soooo busy with her new fiancé and that big promotion it seems she doesn’t even have even five minutes to pick up the phone and call her maid of honor!! Hahah). The date she FINALLY picked happens to be my birthday, but I’m just getting older so who cares, right?? Hahahha. It’s not like I’M getting married any time soon!! So, can’t wait to see you all there….get your checkbooks ready because it’s gonna be an expensive one, ladies!! Sometimes Mandy forgets not everyone just made partner at a law firm hahah!! Some of us just got laid off! Lololol! So I put down ALL the money (no problem—I’m glad to do it girls!) but would just like you to give me checks for your respective shares by, I don’t know..umm…let’s say tomorrow?? No need to get them to me tonight!! :) :) Thanks a bunch chicas!!

Can’t wait beautiful chica girly girl lady friends! I’m BEYOND sooooo happy for Mandy! Honestly :)
Xoxoxoxoxoxxxooo,
Jane