The Hill vs. The Hill

The other night I went to a Drink-Watered-Down-Vodka Soda-With-Girls-In-Tube-Tops-For-The-Families-Of-Victims-of-9/11 Fundraiser. The event was held at “The Hill,” a bar in Murray Hill once rumored to be owned by Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag of MTV’s reality show, “The Hills.”

“The Hill” (not to be confused with Capitol Hill--also know as “The Hill”--but not MTV’s “The Hills”) is a quintessentially Murray Hill establishment complete with several giant flat-screen televisions, unnecessary sleekness and guys in button-down shirts.


But all this got me thinking. There are similarities between both Hills'. Thus, I have compiled a “TOP FIVE LIST of similarities between “The Hill” bar and “The Hill” in Washington D.C. for your convenience:

5. In both places people are spending money they don't have
4. In both places the sending of dirty text messages to underage kids is a problem
3. In both places bad decisions are made on a daily basis
2. In both places it is hard to get in the door, but once you’re in you can act like an idiot
1. In both places blow jobs are not considered “sex”

Query

Your retired aunt in Florida. Your “spiritual” friend who is always explaining all your other friends’ actions through their zodiac signs. “That’s because Jennifer is such a Taurus!” The gregarious doorman you chatted up when you first moved into the building and now have to talk to every time you come home from work, even though you’re exhausted, just because you set that precedent. Your hilarious gay friend who is convinced he's the next David Sedaris, but funnier. Your cab driver. Your doctor. Your fruit vendor. Your mom.

They’re all writing books.

As an assistant at a literary agency, I have the highly coveted privilege of assessing these unsolicited query letters, which, in the publishing world, are known as “slush.” I evaluate manuscripts featuring divorcees who have turned their lives around through learning paper mache, people whose cats are so funny their adventures with yarn are begging to be chronicled and various new and improved versions of the Bible.

Although I am genuinely enamored with my chosen profession, there are times I feel a bit overwhelmed:
                                                              Query

Dear Agent,

I am delighted to present you with my first fiction novel, No Agua for Iguanas. My 275,000 word manuscript was originally written on the back of over a thousand cocktail napkins, a few receipts, several business cards and some un-crumpled gum wrappers I discovered in my pockets, but I have since re-typed the work and had it professionally edited by my next door neighbor, Ross Weingard.

            I chose your agency because of your interest in fiction novels and because you seem to represent many authors who hail from Pennsylvania. Although I actually grew up in Ohio, I spent much of my youth in Pennsylvania and would be happy to add this information to my book jacket bio beneath a photo (preferably black and white) of me wearing something tweed and looking author-y.

            On your website, you asked that I include any conferences I have attended or publishing credits I have amassed and I am proud to say that I received Best Summer Vacation Story in Miss Pizzi’s tenth grade class and was runner-up for Most Individualistic in my high school yearbook. I have also been faithfully attending a writing group held every Friday evening by my cousin, Tippy Barnes-Foster. Tippy is the author of such self-published books as My First Husband Sucks!, My Second Husband Sucks! and the forthcoming Husbands Suck. All are available in paperback from Xlibris.

When I read the first chapter of No Agua for Iguanas  out loud for the writing group, Tippy was moved to tears.

Here’s the pitch:

Meghan is a middle-age woman who thought she had it all until she woke up one morning and didn’t. After deciding she hates her husband and her house, Meghan travels to Brazil. There, she finds out who she is by meeting a new, more exotic Brazilian husband and moving into a Brazilian house. Although she never learns the language, she does cook authentic Brazilian meals. Plus, there are recipes!

My story can be likened to an Eat, Pray, Love with more emphasis on the eating and loving and not so much on the praying, which I think people will enjoy. The couple later adopts an adorable yet mischievous iguana and hi-jinks ensue in the spirit of Marley & Me, except more Brazilian.

I know you are seeking authors who “know how to promote themselves” and I wanted to keep you abreast of my appearances and the “buzz” already surrounding No Agua for Iguanas. In addition to speaking in the cafeteria section of the local Barnes and Noble, I have also written over five hundred very short stories, which have appeared in The Pine Forest Summer Camp Gazette, The Babbling Brooke School for the Blind Annual Newsletter  (forthcoming in Braille) and online at TippyBarnesFoster.blogspot.com alongside a mock-up of the book cover I designed myself using a combination of clip-art iguanas and the all of the tools in Photoshop.
       I am willing to allow you to read this character-driven literary page-turner exclusively for two weeks, but I can't guarentee anything after that because I am positive this is a bestseller, so please let me know when I can send the completed manuscript.

            Kindest of Wishes and Regards,

Camilla Swanson