Shakira's New Video

Big Time Music Executive: Shakira! Please, come in! Have a seat--we have so many great ideas for your next video!
Shakira smiles, nods and sits
BTME: So we were having our little brainstorming session and we’re thinking Shakira…hips that don’t lie…hips that are always one hundred percent honest…and then it hit us…humping! Shakira needs more humping in this next video! And I’m not talking your run-of-the-mill dry humping some guys with no shirts on and then the camera. I’m talking about serious, global humping!
Shakira: Me gusta!
BTME: For you, we wanted something fresh, something new, something no one has ever humped before in a music video! I’m picturing you humping major wonders of the world. Machu Picchu! the Colesseum! the Golden Gate Bridge!—Hell, why not bang the Taj Mahal! We’ll do it on green screen right here in our studio in L.A.! (Executive leans in closer to Shakira) I want you thrusting up on the Great Barrier Reef, the Great Wall of China and The Great Pyramid! What do you think?
Shakira: Me gusta el humping!
Executive claps, stands up and shakes Shakira’s hand
BTME: Thanks for coming in, Shakira. Great meeting!
Shakira walks out. Assistant is seated at a desk outside Executive’s office.
Assistant: How did the meeting go, Miss Shakira?
Shakira gives the assistant a stern look and then pauses. The assistant looks worried. Then slowly, earnestly, Shakira starts humping the corner of the assistant’s desk. 

Friends Like This

Actual (not satirical) conversation between a friend and myself. (This is the sprinkles part)

Me: You’re friends with Dave. You would tell me if you knew he wasn’t into me, right?
Friend: Yeah, of course
Me (but a more paranoid version): But maybe you wouldn’t because you wouldn’t come out and say ‘he just doesn’t like you.’
Friend: Well, I would say something like ‘He’s a loser. You’re too good for him’ and you would get the hint.
Me: But you do say he’s a loser.
Friend: Yeah, but I don’t say you’re too good for him.

Wanted Ad

Craigslist Ad For Rock Band In Need of Groupies

Wanted: 3-4 part-time groupie positsions now open! Availability late nights and weekends a must. We are looking for go-getters who are able to efficiently multi-task. Communications and organizational skills not required. At least one year of prior related groupie work experience or groupie internship a plus.

Responsibilities:

Light to moderate stalking

Screaming during awkward pauses at our shows

Sitting on shoulders of men in crowd and saying “whoo, whoo”

Occasional flashing

Acting jealous when we speak to other women

Wearing backstage passes with arrogance/entitlement

Occasional underwear and/or bra tossing

Hanging on our shoulders while we talk to the press preferably looking hot/vacant/slightly inebriated

Having sex with us while telling us our drum solo rocked

*Compensation: stories about wild times with the band

Contact information: dudesinaband@dudesinaband.net

Maid of Honor

Helloooo Bridesmaids!
Soooooooo Mandy is finally getting married! After all that searching for “the rock” she finally found her prince charming!! Who cares if he has hair, right?? Hahah. Lololol. All it took was a few rounds of plastic surgery and that trip to Cancun where she got montezuma’s revenge and lost twenty pounds and she’s never looked more gorgeous!! Hahah. Jkjk. Some of us just aren’t lucky enough to get a tapeworm no matter how hard we try!

Anyhoo, Just wanted to let everyone know we picked a date for the baccelorettee—did I spell that right? Anyway, it is June 13th! (Sorry it took so long to pick a date, but Mandy is just soooo busy with her new fiancé and that big promotion it seems she doesn’t even have even five minutes to pick up the phone and call her maid of honor!! Hahah). The date she FINALLY picked happens to be my birthday, but I’m just getting older so who cares, right?? Hahahha. It’s not like I’M getting married any time soon!! So, can’t wait to see you all there….get your checkbooks ready because it’s gonna be an expensive one, ladies!! Sometimes Mandy forgets not everyone just made partner at a law firm hahah!! Some of us just got laid off! Lololol! So I put down ALL the money (no problem—I’m glad to do it girls!) but would just like you to give me checks for your respective shares by, I don’t know..umm…let’s say tomorrow?? No need to get them to me tonight!! :) :) Thanks a bunch chicas!!

Can’t wait beautiful chica girly girl lady friends! I’m BEYOND sooooo happy for Mandy! Honestly :)
Xoxoxoxoxoxxxooo,
Jane

The Hill vs. The Hill

The other night I went to a Drink-Watered-Down-Vodka Soda-With-Girls-In-Tube-Tops-For-The-Families-Of-Victims-of-9/11 Fundraiser. The event was held at “The Hill,” a bar in Murray Hill once rumored to be owned by Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag of MTV’s reality show, “The Hills.”

“The Hill” (not to be confused with Capitol Hill--also know as “The Hill”--but not MTV’s “The Hills”) is a quintessentially Murray Hill establishment complete with several giant flat-screen televisions, unnecessary sleekness and guys in button-down shirts.


But all this got me thinking. There are similarities between both Hills'. Thus, I have compiled a “TOP FIVE LIST of similarities between “The Hill” bar and “The Hill” in Washington D.C. for your convenience:

5. In both places people are spending money they don't have
4. In both places the sending of dirty text messages to underage kids is a problem
3. In both places bad decisions are made on a daily basis
2. In both places it is hard to get in the door, but once you’re in you can act like an idiot
1. In both places blow jobs are not considered “sex”

Query

Your retired aunt in Florida. Your “spiritual” friend who is always explaining all your other friends’ actions through their zodiac signs. “That’s because Jennifer is such a Taurus!” The gregarious doorman you chatted up when you first moved into the building and now have to talk to every time you come home from work, even though you’re exhausted, just because you set that precedent. Your hilarious gay friend who is convinced he's the next David Sedaris, but funnier. Your cab driver. Your doctor. Your fruit vendor. Your mom.

They’re all writing books.

As an assistant at a literary agency, I have the highly coveted privilege of assessing these unsolicited query letters, which, in the publishing world, are known as “slush.” I evaluate manuscripts featuring divorcees who have turned their lives around through learning paper mache, people whose cats are so funny their adventures with yarn are begging to be chronicled and various new and improved versions of the Bible.

Although I am genuinely enamored with my chosen profession, there are times I feel a bit overwhelmed:
                                                              Query

Dear Agent,

I am delighted to present you with my first fiction novel, No Agua for Iguanas. My 275,000 word manuscript was originally written on the back of over a thousand cocktail napkins, a few receipts, several business cards and some un-crumpled gum wrappers I discovered in my pockets, but I have since re-typed the work and had it professionally edited by my next door neighbor, Ross Weingard.

            I chose your agency because of your interest in fiction novels and because you seem to represent many authors who hail from Pennsylvania. Although I actually grew up in Ohio, I spent much of my youth in Pennsylvania and would be happy to add this information to my book jacket bio beneath a photo (preferably black and white) of me wearing something tweed and looking author-y.

            On your website, you asked that I include any conferences I have attended or publishing credits I have amassed and I am proud to say that I received Best Summer Vacation Story in Miss Pizzi’s tenth grade class and was runner-up for Most Individualistic in my high school yearbook. I have also been faithfully attending a writing group held every Friday evening by my cousin, Tippy Barnes-Foster. Tippy is the author of such self-published books as My First Husband Sucks!, My Second Husband Sucks! and the forthcoming Husbands Suck. All are available in paperback from Xlibris.

When I read the first chapter of No Agua for Iguanas  out loud for the writing group, Tippy was moved to tears.

Here’s the pitch:

Meghan is a middle-age woman who thought she had it all until she woke up one morning and didn’t. After deciding she hates her husband and her house, Meghan travels to Brazil. There, she finds out who she is by meeting a new, more exotic Brazilian husband and moving into a Brazilian house. Although she never learns the language, she does cook authentic Brazilian meals. Plus, there are recipes!

My story can be likened to an Eat, Pray, Love with more emphasis on the eating and loving and not so much on the praying, which I think people will enjoy. The couple later adopts an adorable yet mischievous iguana and hi-jinks ensue in the spirit of Marley & Me, except more Brazilian.

I know you are seeking authors who “know how to promote themselves” and I wanted to keep you abreast of my appearances and the “buzz” already surrounding No Agua for Iguanas. In addition to speaking in the cafeteria section of the local Barnes and Noble, I have also written over five hundred very short stories, which have appeared in The Pine Forest Summer Camp Gazette, The Babbling Brooke School for the Blind Annual Newsletter  (forthcoming in Braille) and online at TippyBarnesFoster.blogspot.com alongside a mock-up of the book cover I designed myself using a combination of clip-art iguanas and the all of the tools in Photoshop.
       I am willing to allow you to read this character-driven literary page-turner exclusively for two weeks, but I can't guarentee anything after that because I am positive this is a bestseller, so please let me know when I can send the completed manuscript.

            Kindest of Wishes and Regards,

Camilla Swanson